If the official Candy Kingdom propaganda program Adventure Time is to believed, the figure known as Princess
Bubblegum is a benevolent ruler, gently guiding her candy “children” through
strong leadership and scientific can-do. She’s fun-loving when it’s useful,
stern when necessary, and ha a sparkly sense of style, Bubblegum looks the very
ideal of a good leader. But how much is really known about her?
Her title of “Princess” raises multiple questions. From where does she claim her royalty? Does she age? How did she gain dominion over the Candy Kingdom and how does she maintain her control? And what right allows the continuance of her reign? These basic inquiries have no answers. Is Bubblegum afraid of what the release of this information will provoke in her citizens? Has she conspired to cover all this up?
Part of her control is maintained through technical know-how. Some will say that expertise bestows a measure of legitimacy. She’s the smartest and the brightest. Surely she can develop the Kingdom to its highest potential right? Setting aside the problems inherent to a technocracy, a closer look at her supposedly innovational track record brings to light a few cracks.
Not widely known is the development of the Kingdom’s current police state. One of the Princess’s actions in the halcyon days of candy-dom was to create a group of elite guards colloquially termed Rattleballs. Their moral programming was so binary and their tactics were so brutal, that the candy prisons quickly swelled to reprehensible levels. In an ironic twist, the squads were soon useless, and, coded for nothing else, were liquidated for recycling purposes. The lesson of the Rattleballs is clear: even the most loyal are unsafe from the brunt of Bubblegum’s sticky fist.
The extinct corps’ organic cousins are the current Banana Guards. While nicer than their forebears, this is more due to general incompetence and cowardice than any decree from our Lady’s confectionary tower. Also related are the towering Gumball Guardians. These sentinels seem successful, but, while they may work in last-ditch push-backs, their design is terribly misguided. For Glob’s sakes, the sentries’ brains are encased in glass. A slingshot-pebble to the head is capable of incapacitating them.
Another, sadder story is obscured by these foibles. Generalissimo Gum is willing to mobilize a shameful amount of resources to build a military/prison-industrial complex instead of creating a candy safety-net for candies who, through no fault of their own, fall through the candy cracks.
Our dear leader’s foreign policy is ineffective, inhumane, and highly illegal. Hypocritical rhetoric is employed to justify the mucking about in other Kingdoms. Typically this is done with the help of the unbound-by-law vigilantes known as Finn and Jake (yes the same two “heroes” featured in Adventure Time). Claims of “spreading civilization,” “keeping our kingdom safe,” and “ending oppression” are frequent whenever she acts in the Fire Kingdom. That last statement is a joke, considering the massive surveillance apparatus that dutifully watches over all candy residents and her suppression of Princess Cookie’s revolt.
The Flame Princess was imprisoned for years with Candy Kingdom technology based on shoddy dossiers claiming she was “unstable”. This allowed the Flame King to continue his despotic reign unchallenged. It also directly contributed to the defection of Cinnamon Bun from his homeland in order to support the fiery heir’s coup.
Finally, there are whispers from Bubblegum’s inner circle that far darker doings are afoot. While the extent of their relationship has been kept cloudy, Bonnibel is chummy with Marceline the Vampire Queen (daughter of Night-O’-Sphere overlord Hunson Abadeer). Intense speculation has been brewing around right-hand man Peppermint Butler’s activities. Rumors indicate that he is a practitioner of the black arts and close friends with Death. What does the nature of Bubblegum’s company say about her? In times of extreme duress, Frau Preebs has been known to start exclaiming in a dead language called German. Long before the Mushroom Wars, legend tells of a tyrant who did the same.
The myths that Dictator P.B. has carefully cultivated around herself are a lie. I hope this report will be the first shot in ending them.
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