Mention a respected director and slap the "ian" suffix on to their name. Bonus points if you namedrop a painter. Super bonus points if you use Brechtian.
Toss out a reference to an artistic movement that has nothing to do with film and don't explain how it relates to the movie at hand.
Use phrases that indicate you think a film looks nice, but are vague and don't say anything meaningful (i.e. "well-shot" and "perfectly-framed").
State how the film reflects an "ism" (modernism, structuralism). Extra credit if you slap a "post" on there.
Build your entire argument about a film around an obscure concept from philosophy or psychology.
Disparage several entries on other people's best-of lists.
Print out a list of the highest-grossing films of the year, nail it to a wall, blindfold yourself, and throw a dart at it. Take the film the dart lands on and come up with your own convoluted system of logic to make the film sound like a masterpiece.
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